A New Kind of Guilt
Life has been so busy for us these past few weeks. I welcome it because it takes my mind off things for a little while. I'm not consumed all day long while sitting home, trying to work or get things done. I have found that grief is depilating. It is crippling to the mind and body. I have been a go getter my whole life. Never did I procrastinate or delay. Now, that feels like my new normal. It's frustrating and confusing. How can someone change so drastically? I don't know the person I have become. The grief denies me that every day.
Because of our hectic schedule we call summer, I find that with me keeping so busy comes a new kind of guilt that I am not thinking of Parker quite as often as I did before. It's a different kind of guilt, the kind that crept up unexpectedly. The kind at the end of the day I'm apologizing because I was so busy I didn't mourn him as much as I should have that day. Just when I think I'm taking a step forward, I take two steps back. Bud, I know you are with me and won't ever leave my side. I just wish I could convince my heart the same. It feels abandoned and lost without you.