Friday, April 21, 2017
I am not the same person I was 6 weeks ago. Actually, I am not the same person I was 10 weeks ago when this all began. I am an introvert now when I used to be the most outgoing one. I am quiet now when I used to have so much to talk about. I am lonely now when I used to have such a full heart. I am angry now when I used to have so much to be thankful for. I am broken. No, I am completely shattered.
When you reach out to me and ask me if I would like to go here or there, or stop by for this, or so and so would like to see you. Please do not get upset when I say I can't or come up with some lame excuse not to. It's not that I don't want to go or do. Its that I physically can't. I can't just "go" anymore. I can't just "do" anymore. I can't just "see" people anymore. I seem to be able to be around certain people. Certain family members or certain friends. I am now a work in progress, suffering from PTSD and anxiety. A world that I have never experienced a minute before in my entire life. A world that leaves me pained and terrified. A world I know nothing about and never thought I would have to. There is so much life going on around me - it will all have to wait. I don't know if I will ever be able to return to the person I once was.
This weekend at the fields, please know that I wish I could be there. I wish I could watch Pete coach Parker's LAX team and cheer them on. I wish I could be there to support all of the kids that will be painting rocks for Parker's rock garden. I wish I could be there to thank everyone for all of their support. I just can't.
I wish I could be with his hockey team, working a fundraiser for our family but I can't. I can't see all of their faces, the faces he was once among as a team. As a group of friends. As a family. I just can't.