It’s been a while since I’ve had time to just sit. That is exactly what I’m doing now. Sitting but watching Payton swim. I sit here, at the Ocean County YMCA pool 5 days a week and watch her swim. No one really knows us here, I mean “knows” us. They know Payton as a teammate, not as someone who’s brother died. We don’t get looks or whispers. She is here with a purpose. A purpose with such determination and integrity at such a young age. At 12 what were you doing? I’m embarrassed to say I was probably finding a way to piss off my sister and ultimately my mother who constantly had to deal with our relentless fighting. I can tell you I wasn’t focused on a sport, or school or anything important for that matter.
That is where I sit here and wonder how I got so lucky. Lucky to have a daughter that is exactly what I needed. Someone who is focused and smart, so smart, and kind and strong. She knows what she wants from this life. A life that has dealt her the worst hand at the table. She has those cards in her pocket and is going to make something spectacular out of them.
I want to make sure she has every opportunity to make all of her aspirations reality. It’s the least I can do as a mother. I try and be a good role model, we work hard, we love hard and have built a life for us we can be proud of. We have no choice but to move ahead with our time here. The time I pass knowing that each minute that goes by will bring me that much closer to being with Parker. In the meantime, this old soul in the body of a 12 year old is my purpose.
For all of you mothers out there, make sure your children know you are their purpose. From a mother who has lost her heart, they need to know. Parker knew. That simple knowledge is what keeps my mind at peace. Have no regrets, love your children, support them, be proud and all will be right.