Catch-22 [kach-twen-tee-too] noun, plural Catch-22's, Catch-22s
1. a frustrating situation in which one is trapped by contradictory regulations or conditions.
2. any illogical or paradoxical problem or situation; dilemma.
3. a condition, regulation, etc., preventing the resolution of a problem or situation; catch.
As a child, you learn subconsciously that death is bad. That it’s the worst thing that could possibly happen to someone. It’s horrible, tragic, sad. Most adults still believe this. That is until you truly experience the death of someone you can not possibly live without.
My view on death has changed. Drastically. I no longer fear it. I almost welcome it. I find myself jealous of my parents, whom are older and somewhat closer to the natural course of death. I am jealous because they will get to be with Parker sooner than me. I want to be older, I want to fast forward the next few decades so I don’t have to live every day for the rest of my life without him.
On the other side is Payton and Pete and everyone else who needs me here. Death is only unbearable to the ones you leave behind. I need to live the rest of my days here, watching Payton thrive into a beautiful young woman, go to college, start a career, get married, have children and make me a grandmother. I need to live the rest of my days here with my husband, to grow old together and have him by my side. They wouldn’t survive without me. I know this. Death is not an option.
Life is so unbelievably unfair. You only get one. Parker’s was such a short journey. He didn’t deserve to go. We don’t deserve to live without him. When you are young and naive and dream about your wedding and having children and all the other expectations, no one ever dreams of losing a child. It’s just not in the cards. At least not mine. But it was and now I’m here. Catch 22.