My views on life have changed so drastically since I lost Parker. There are no explanations, although I do try and sort them out in my heart. Birthdays are a major change for me. I hate them. I hate mine and yours, especially your child's. I know that sounds completely heartless. I can't help it. It is a reaction of your child getting to live another year. It's jealousy, resentment and heartbreak all rolled into one. It's a reminder that Parker will be forever 9 years old. A reminder that I only had 9 years with him. A reminder that you get so many more.
For anyone that has lost a child, I wonder if they feel the same? My birthday is coming up and I want more than anything for it to be a regular day. I don't want the reminder that another year has gone by. I don't want well wishes or "birthday love". I don't know why. That makes me feel terrible because I share a birthday with my other half, my twin. The one who is so far away but is always there. The one I want to have such a special day because she deserves it. It's all so conflicting, so complicated. I just miss him.
I love you forever, Bud.